Hope.

"Better In Time"

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

...

Numb isn't an option at this point. At this point, all I can really do is just feel everything... feel everything so I can keep feeling human...

... One day everything will be more than just okay. But right now... I'm just okay. I'm human. I'm breathing. I'm feeling. I'm okay.

Life Changes

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.

Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

If you think about it it's simple... but when we fail in the most simplest ways, it becomes the most painful. But like someone once told me, when you hurt it's because you have hope... you have faith, and without those things a life full of meaning becomes too relative to be significant... and this life is significant.

-the Class of 2010-

I remember sitting in my 3rd grade class on the first day of school looking at a time line of my expected life. My teacher, Mrs. Laumann, who still continues to be one of my favorite teachers to this day, called us the class of 2010, because that was when we were going to graduate college. Interesting isn't it? I wonder what was going through her head when she predetermined all of our futures for us in those simple, and at that time, insignificant words. It was if she purposely wanted to insist upon us that we were all made for this great rite of passage called college... despite whether or not all of us would go to college, or finish in four years, or even make it through high school--she wanted to let us know that at the age of 8 that we were all made for some kind of greatness... we are the class of 2010.

And now it's here. Can I really say that this year will be my year of greatness? Can I really be so bold to predetermine what life may hold for me in the future as my third grade teacher had once did for 30 impressionable children? I feel like a wanderer standing in the middle of a road that stretches so far to the horizon that you're almost tempted to turn around and walk back. You look over your shoulder and gaze upon all the things you had done, all the friends you had made, you had lost, all the pain you had endured and all the joy you had engulfed. You see all the nights you had spent alone and you see all the nights you had spent with that one special somebody talking about all your dreams you have for the future only to see that the future comes closer and closer, and now you feel the immense pressure to make these dreams realities... it's so tempting. So tempting to be envious of your memories and to long to rewalk a path you had already dug out for yourself... perhaps if you could do this, you'd iron out the rough parts, you'd do what you would've/could've/should've done, and you could check off your list of "what if's"...

So what more greatness could you possibly generate with so much greatness before you now? Do I really have the confidence to say... this year will be more amazing than the year before when the mere thought of the paths I've crossed brings tears to my eyes... that I've passed onto the other side of the bell curve of my college experience... that everything from this point on will be dedicated to ending a chapter of my life that has meant so much to me...?

I am class of 2010

A fact that had been decided for me before I could even understand what it would mean. It was never a question to my mother... I'd go to college and that would be that. But now I see this road ahead of me and all I see is a blank canvas--no guidelines, no instructions, no preselection of themes... it's intimidating. BUT... memories, should never be so envied, and should only be treasured. Maybe life isn't so much a bell curve but an upward slope... that it is a privilege to be able to stare at a blank canvas with no boundaries and no limits, and that with the friends and strengths that you had cultivated in the past, you could walk down this road on a wing of faith and hope and be able to create the very first thing that will be your own... the rest of your life.

So will this year be great? Well, perhaps that's not the point. Perhaps greatness is not so much the state of being great but the journey you take to find those ways that you can be greater. With that, 2010 will be great because it's a time for me to leave my wandering shoes behind, lace the boots of a huntress... and run.

I only know MAJESTY... Purple, Gold and Royal.

Sometimes it's hard to equivocate how you feel about something in a few paragraphs... from mundane to extraordinary, this is definitely one of those extraordinary things.

SPOP.

Immediately... I think of LIFE. I think of energy. I think of new beginnings. And most importantly I think of HOPE.

Those are all things that SPOP had given to me as a freshman. Those are all things, as a staffer of two years, that I had wanted to give to others...

SPOP 7 2009 was like forming a full circle. I rushed out of my midterm to barely make it onto the talent show stage to perform my last spaerobics. I was frazzled by the end and took sometime to recollect myself for Modern... however, the recollection was in vain. My mind was wrapped around the concept of this being my last SPOP experience and I couldn't help but watch the rest of talent show in awe... I couldn't smile, I couldn't laugh and I couldn't cheer in fear that any of those things would break the seal between me and my emotions. Whatever... I cried anyways.

That was the longest walk back to my hall. I think I did it purposely just so I can take the advice I once gave my spfamily during the end of our first discussion, "don't forget to take a step back and take in all the wonderful things that are happening." During that walk I remembered golden butterflies from the end of SPOP 10 2008 that I watched dance with AK on the way back to Captain Planet's Camino Goes Green-O... I also remembered SPOP 3 2006 waiting outside of the Bren Events center with my hall standing in a circle and screaming "C-L-OOOOOOOOO!" with our 00Cielo (double "o" cielo) staffers in the middle, watching them cry and wondering why they were so emotional... and even now, after being in their shoes, I can still question why, but not because I cannot see what life fulfilling things come out of the SPOP experience, but because there are just so many that I cannot leave one sole reason for being responsible.

Full Circle... SPOP 7 was not sad. I felt a sort of completion. I felt that I had succeeded in paying back what my staffers have given to me. When I see the smiles on my spoppers faces come closing I know that in some way or another they are touched... they've left those two days with a plethora of new games, a new friend, a new ambition, a new perspective... and if I am lucky enough, a new sense of that HOPE. A hope to be in a better place, a hope to be a better person, a hope to have a better experience... a better life. My last SPOP rant... I don't know exactly what I said in between the tears except for one thing... asking them, begging them, to pay it forward and to never underestimate the power of their influence and use that influence to give people every bit of happiness that was given to them... I told them that LIFE can be SPOP, if you just make it that way... and I told them that the person they're trying to find is no one but themselves... and that yourself isn't somebody that you LOOK for... it's someone that you WORK on... make your LIFE a HOPE to have the motivation to put yourself in a BETTER PLACE and to make yourself a BETTER PERSON... and that's SPOP.

From Purple Year to Gold Year to Royal Year I have been blessed with so may lessons and so many inspiring people... and it is bittersweet to end the SPOP chapter of my life... it was the first of my firsts in college, and it is the first of my lasts as well, and I cannot thank this program enough for preparing me for both journeys...

This is no where near a clear depiction of what SPOP means to me. From that complete mess of a person I knew back then who needed that push of hope to be in a better place to this striving woman using that hope to instill into others the greatness of the opportunities that lay ahead of them... I cannot fully explain to you how I feel about SPOP in a mere blog entry, but in a lifetime of stories that lead up to this next story... the termination of my college life.

---Some Advice to Aspiring Returners---

Be aware of the reasons you have for reapplying. Know that as a returner it is your duty to instill everything that is wonderful about this program and to be critical about everything that could be better. It is your duty to know even more so when to step up and when to step back, and you will find yourself more than ever stepping up to those positions are not necessarily the most pleasurable but the most vital. Know that it will not be Royal year... and enter your returner year already convinced that it will not be the same, it will not be better, it will not be worse... it will just be different. Know that the difference between this year and last year is the difference between the coordinators, the staff, the freshman, and yourself. Know that also, a returner is not only tending to the experience of their spoppers but the experience of their fellow staffers as well. Be there for your staff. Be the positivity and the energy that they need in tough times, and be the passion that inspires their own passion about this program. BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING... remember... if you are to get that returner position... there are no shoes to fill, no expectations to be met, no definitions to be loyal to... there only shoes to make, expectations to be surpassed, and definitions to be written. Do not waste time trying to reenact Royal year, but spend your time creating an entirely new experience. Be Royal in your heart, but be ______ in your intentions.

... that's all. Thank you Purple for inspiring me. Thank you Gold for challenging me. Thank you Royal for completing me.

SPOP Royale

It's so hard not to build expectation. As much as we can preach about not expecting anything and to just put our all into whatever we do... we still expect things and we still wait for things to happen...

After Weekend Training, I felt this need to reflect upon my own SPOP journey thus far...

I've always loved the idea of SPOP. Coming in as a freshman, SPOP had opened my eyes to a wide road of possibilities. The mission statement of SPOP was not only instilled in me but was an active ingredient in what I felt college had the potential to be for one individuals right of passage. SPOP was the doorway for my journey into wanting to make myself a better person, for creating standards for the life I live, to seek greatness in everything that I do, and to always redefine and acknowledge what greatness is whether it be a 4.0 or a state of mind. This was my main reason for wanting to be a staffer, beyond anything, I wanted to give back what was given to me as an incoming freshman... college has meant so much to me, and I wanted to encourage my spoppers into taking full advantage of everything that it has to offer...

I was so excited to be on Staff for the first time. I was rejected my freshman year, and so there was a year worth of excitement and expectation that came with the idea of being a SPOP Staffer. However, it was more difficult than I had thought to be integrated into the program. My heart had already been opened up to another program and I felt an inner pressure to preserve my dedication towards my other affiliation (being confronted by close friends that SPOP was a cult, and talking about SPOP left others out), especially because of my anticipated leadership role waiting for me around the corner. Furthermore, being in a new and exciting relationship made it difficult for me to focus on the outer world... naturally.

To make up for not feeling integrated into staff, or feeling like I didn't have any close friends, I focused on what I joined SPOP for in the first place: the freshmen. I can go two ways with this decision... in the first place I regret not sacrificing my comfort level to be able to get close with people and to feel connected with my fellow staffers... but in the second place my Gold Year experience does hold a special place in my heart because of the interactions I had with my spoppers because they were the complete focal point of everything I did in that summer, and that alone had helped me grow and had helped me realize more and more about what kind of person I wanted to become.

Gold Year was difficult for me because I only understood once side to it which was our purpose as staffers to our spoppers. There were a lot of incidents and actions that I disagreed with during Gold Year, that had made me build some aminosity toward some staffers (mostly in the form of competition, laziness, apathy, and self-absorption during SPOPs, and exclusiveness)... but most of all, I didn't know who I could talk to about these issues mainly because there wasn't anyone that I was particularly close with. At the end of the summer, I couldn't say that SPOP had changed my life, I couldn't say that it was one of the best times I've ever had... it was a wonderful learning experience for me, a valuable one no doubt. In the end I decided that my first year experience was not better nor worse than anyone else I had observed, it was just different.

At closing, one line stuck to me: "When you apply to be a returner, you come back for the staffers." Up until that point I was sure I wanted to re-apply and continue to touch the lives of freshman... but that one individual point made me want to re-evaluate what the role of a SPOP returner would be, and whether or not I could be passionate about that role. Re-evaluating my decision to re-apply exposed a lot of the things that I didn't do during my first year on staff... and I realized that though I got a lot out of the program, I hadn't touched another main component of what makes SPOP so successful, and that was the unity and the bond between the staff. In deciding to apply for returner I knew that that would be where I fell short, and in trying to advocate and contribute my own viewpoints to the program, I knew that there was a lot more for me to learn and experience, and that I would have invest that time to be able to be a successful returner.

It's so hard not to build expectation. As much as we can preach about not expecting anything and to just put our all into whatever we do... we still expect things and we still wait for things to happen...

... but wow. These past 3 months have been more than just trying to fulfill a role as a returner, but it was an amazing learning experience for me as well. To returners, being amongst you all was so intimidating. All of your words have given me such insight into so many different sides of this program and I try to soak up and understand everything you all say to be able to apply it in trying to be better, and thank you for also encouraging me and opening yourselves up to me for the first or second time... a lot of the times I get really nervous and panicked before I speak up at returner meetings, but all of your support has helped me open myself up more and more. I have a lot of pride in our group... I trust and am inspired by everything that you all individually stand for, ya'all are LEGIT!

To first year staffers, TRUST that in the conversations that I've had with you and the things that I observe from you all... you ALL have helped me understand SPOP even more. Through this whole process know that in many realms we had been equals in trying to take in what the SPOP experience is. Thank you to those first years who have shown this overwhelming enthusiasm for SPOP, and thank you to those first years who have been critical about this program... but thank you all in the first place for sharing these perspectives and exposing all these intricacies that make SPOP so mind blowing...!

I had never cried for SPOP the way I had at weekend training. I had so much love in me that I felt like I was going to explode. It was intense... and very unexpected. Like I said during my spiel, I finally feel like that void in my SPOP experience has been filled, so thank you ROYAL YEAR. This will be such a wonderful summer.

To tie in what I have experienced in SPOP thus far with what I had experienced last year, I'll end this post with what I've learned so far...

1. Don't be afraid to be critical: if you love something, you would always want it to be at its best, and to be at its best, it must see where it may falter. Be ourselves, but understand that who are are is never a set person. We don't find ourselves, we work on ourselves. We can always improve... sky's the limit.
2. Be open-minded and open-hearted: there is no right or wrong answer, and understand that for the most part, all of our individual intentions are in the right place, but how we articulate these intentions may not always be accurate. Take criticism with a grain of salt, and be reflective before becoming defensive, you never know... you might learn something new.
3. Never underestimate the impact of small gestures. Don't just receive love, but also give love... reach out to people you don't know very well and sacrifice some time to be uncomfortable in hopes that one day it won't be anymore... and when that day comes, find another way to feel uncomfortable. and Repeat. Your discomfort may be another person's feeling of acceptance.
4. Cliques are inevitable... but aim to be cliqueless. If SPOP was the world, be a culturally rounded person.
5. Most of all... appreciate where we are and those who surround us. Never feel entitled and always feel honored... honored to be able to learn, to grow, to love, and to inspire.

That's all =]

Epic.