Shopping

So sometimes when we shop and we find something that we really like, like... I dunno... a sweater. Everything about this sweater seems to fit just right, it's one of a kind, fashionable, and you're almost convinced that you're going to buy it... but then there's something that you're unsure about. Maybe you feel like you haven't shopped around enough... I mean, you've gone to a couple stores, some you've spent a long time in, and others you maybe just looked through the window but didn't really see anything that interesting. You really feel like this article of clothing, and you feel like you really want to invest in it... but there's still something holding you back from buying it for some reason...

From this point you have a couple solutions:

1. Just buy it. You found something that you really like, so why even bother going to the other stores? Yeah there may be other great things to buy, but it doesn't mean that the thing that you're looking at isn't just as great.

2. Put it on hold. You can always reason that even though you really like this article of clothing, you're curious of what's out there. So why not go out and shop, explore, and in the end, if you still can't stop thinking about that article of clothing, you can go back and buy it.

3. Put it back on the rack and continue to shop.

With number 1, there's that fear that maybe you're settling. There are problems with number 1, because you can buy something and still be curious about the other stores, and maybe you're satisfaction with this sweater will diminish not because it's not a great piece, but just because maybe you'll get bored of it and want something new, but at that point you've already cashed out your spendings and can't afford to buy anything else. It would be a bigger burden to go back and return it and get your money back, or maybe you feel bad, because this article of clothing used to be your favorite, and even though you don't wear it as much or maybe it got demoted to the back of your closet after sometime, you know that it will always keep you warm on cold days. So you decide to keep it, but spend a lot of your time looking around at all the sweaters that you could have bought.

With number 2... this seems more desirable, because you can go and explore and come back for it if you realize that there really isn't anything else that you really like. That way, you'll wear it more and you'll appreciate it more because you know that there weren't any other sweaters in the mall that you liked as much as the on you have. The only problem with this though, once you put something on hold, no one else can look at it and decide to buy it... and what if you do find something else that you really like, and never come back for it? The sweater won't be put on hold forever, but it will definitely take a lot longer for someone else to buy it because it was put on hold and just left there until a employee realizes that no one was coming back for it. So even though this may be the best decision for you personally, it's kind of selfish.

With number 3 there's a risk. Yes you can leave it and shop more and then find something that you like even more, and someone else will buy the sweater that you left behind... but putting it back on the rack and just leaving may mean that you can walk around the whole mall and realize there's nothing quite as good as it... come back and find out that it's gone. But then imagine shopping all day, not finding anything that you like better, coming back and seeing that the sweater is still there. Sure, people had the chance to buy it, but the point is that you let go of the idea of having the sweater, and came back after you really knew what you wanted, bought it, and are sure that it's the perfect sweater, that it was meant to be...

I think the hardest decisions to make are the ones that you know will make the best outcome for everyone. It takes a little bit of doubt, insecurity, sacrifice... and it takes a lot of strength. It takes strength to let go of things and not assume control over them. But that's the thing, we can't control anything but our own actions--and no matter the situation, when we try too hard to control uncontrollable things, we end up hurting other people... sometimes we even end up hurting ourselves... it's because as honest as our intentions can be at times, we're imperfect people fueled by passion, and emotion, and we're always looking for the easy way out...

But let go. God has a plan for everything, and if we could just let go for a moment in our lives and let God take the reigns of our will, we will be able to see more clearly. Our hearts are filled with clouds of anger, envy, resentment, self-righteousness, sadness... and pretty much everything that labels us imperfect. God's heart is pure... it's filled with love and grace... His intentions are good and His actions are fair. And if we can let go of our need to control the uncontrollable we'll be able to see what God has in store for us... and who knows, maybe it will be a sweater that you couldn't even dream of.

Hope.

"Better In Time"

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

...

Numb isn't an option at this point. At this point, all I can really do is just feel everything... feel everything so I can keep feeling human...

... One day everything will be more than just okay. But right now... I'm just okay. I'm human. I'm breathing. I'm feeling. I'm okay.

Life Changes

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.

Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

If you think about it it's simple... but when we fail in the most simplest ways, it becomes the most painful. But like someone once told me, when you hurt it's because you have hope... you have faith, and without those things a life full of meaning becomes too relative to be significant... and this life is significant.

-the Class of 2010-

I remember sitting in my 3rd grade class on the first day of school looking at a time line of my expected life. My teacher, Mrs. Laumann, who still continues to be one of my favorite teachers to this day, called us the class of 2010, because that was when we were going to graduate college. Interesting isn't it? I wonder what was going through her head when she predetermined all of our futures for us in those simple, and at that time, insignificant words. It was if she purposely wanted to insist upon us that we were all made for this great rite of passage called college... despite whether or not all of us would go to college, or finish in four years, or even make it through high school--she wanted to let us know that at the age of 8 that we were all made for some kind of greatness... we are the class of 2010.

And now it's here. Can I really say that this year will be my year of greatness? Can I really be so bold to predetermine what life may hold for me in the future as my third grade teacher had once did for 30 impressionable children? I feel like a wanderer standing in the middle of a road that stretches so far to the horizon that you're almost tempted to turn around and walk back. You look over your shoulder and gaze upon all the things you had done, all the friends you had made, you had lost, all the pain you had endured and all the joy you had engulfed. You see all the nights you had spent alone and you see all the nights you had spent with that one special somebody talking about all your dreams you have for the future only to see that the future comes closer and closer, and now you feel the immense pressure to make these dreams realities... it's so tempting. So tempting to be envious of your memories and to long to rewalk a path you had already dug out for yourself... perhaps if you could do this, you'd iron out the rough parts, you'd do what you would've/could've/should've done, and you could check off your list of "what if's"...

So what more greatness could you possibly generate with so much greatness before you now? Do I really have the confidence to say... this year will be more amazing than the year before when the mere thought of the paths I've crossed brings tears to my eyes... that I've passed onto the other side of the bell curve of my college experience... that everything from this point on will be dedicated to ending a chapter of my life that has meant so much to me...?

I am class of 2010

A fact that had been decided for me before I could even understand what it would mean. It was never a question to my mother... I'd go to college and that would be that. But now I see this road ahead of me and all I see is a blank canvas--no guidelines, no instructions, no preselection of themes... it's intimidating. BUT... memories, should never be so envied, and should only be treasured. Maybe life isn't so much a bell curve but an upward slope... that it is a privilege to be able to stare at a blank canvas with no boundaries and no limits, and that with the friends and strengths that you had cultivated in the past, you could walk down this road on a wing of faith and hope and be able to create the very first thing that will be your own... the rest of your life.

So will this year be great? Well, perhaps that's not the point. Perhaps greatness is not so much the state of being great but the journey you take to find those ways that you can be greater. With that, 2010 will be great because it's a time for me to leave my wandering shoes behind, lace the boots of a huntress... and run.