Winter Quarter

I have some down time, so I shall blog.

Winter quarter can only be described as both the mundane and extraordinary...

Mundane:

Just like every year, every quarter brings on new challenges... whether it's classes, work, social connections/ disconnections... and this quarter had it's fair share of them. Some of them were external in trying to find the right balance between, school friends, relationship, and family... and others were internal. Ever have that feeling of disconnection with yourself? I experienced that this quarter... which can only really mean that I myself are going through some changes that I have yet to discover and reckon with. These things, however, take time, small adjustments in my actions and perceptions and hopefully soon, with this spring break coming along I will be able to reconcile with myself.

I feel that's what happens when so many things in the external life are going on, buzzing right by you: classes, practices, socials, work, midterms, practices, not enough social, homework, work, papers, tests... you forget about yourself. You don't get enough of those good conversations that help you evaluate where you are in your life merely because you just haven't had the time to sit and have a good lunch with a good friend.

Things start conjuring in your mind... some far fetched and some very apparent. Long story short, this quarter has given me emotions that ranged from feeling indescribably proud to overwhelmingly defeated... mildy lonely to somewhat crowded.

But in these last 2 weeks, a midst from preparing for a final, finishing up homework and projects, and choreographing 3 separate collaboration pieces... I've come to peace with this quarter. In the end, it is what it is. I've fought my battle, and though in my mind I could have always done better... I can't ignore the extraordinary prizes that I had sacrificed for.

Extraordinary:

MCIA: Vibe was indescribable so I won't describe it. All I can say is how amazingly taken a back I am at some points... to step back from it all and see what this team is, and realizing that I wouldn't have, in my wildest dreams, ever thought of being part of something so significant. It's not just being part of a dance team.... but being part of a dance team that's exponentially growing! Being coord has its serious ups and downs... but when I try to completely comprehend the position that I am in this year... and the team that I am representing... I feel nothing but gratefulness for both my struggles and my successes. My experiences on this team continue to teach me more and more about myself, and continue to challenge me to be a better person to hopefully, one day, be that much closer from my best. It's beyond dancing for me, it's loving this team and caring for my team mates more than I ever thought I had the capacity to...

SPOP: In applying I really wanted it... in waiting for the decision to let out I began to want it even more... during weeks 7-10 I convinced myself that, probably, I didn't get it (with the underlining hope that I would get it however)... with so many freakishly amazing people applying it's hard to justify within yourself that you, above others, should be accepted. You can't. C'est impossible. And it's one of those situations, if you were to not get it, you would understand... my understanding at the beginning of week 10, was more convinvcing than my justification. Why did I want to apply for SPOP again? My number 1 reason was because I believe so much in what this program is trying to accomplish, because it accomplished it in me 3 years ago... and my excessive need to be able to be part in perpetuating life changing experiences will always consume me. My number 2 reason: a second chance, which is contradictory to my whole belief that there are no second chances... you gotta go balls out the first time. I wanted a second chance to be a better staffer, not to freshmen, but to my staffers... because in that I feel, I could have given more...

I remember once, during the beginning of one SPOP, Hannah Johnson was giving her morning pep talk to the staff, and she quoted me... "Jenevieve in her interview said your input into something reflects your output"... and at that moment I remember experiencing a wave of guilt... I had gotten the most out of each SPOP I staffed... but I didn't get the most out of the whole experience as I had observed other staffers had. I can draw a parallel to another organization that I love... MCIA. It's not just about dancing and coming to practice and performing once in a while... it's about the connections you make along the way... the connections that you put an effort into making...

Being accepted just reiterates how wonderful SPOP is... I've put together a couple rosters myself... you tend to take your chances on those you know not only want it, but have shown that they've earned it... you select the best of the best. Mad respect for SPOP coords. How do you put the best of the best on the list... when the best of the best are the ones applying? Reading the staff list... and discovering who amongst Gold had made it and who had not... I still cannot justify why myself over others... I can only feel more power and more assertion to put everything that I can into this program, because for all of the amazing people who could be in my shoes right now, I know that nothing less is enough.



So as you can see... next quarter will be fierce. I'm on my way to ending my 3rd year of college, ending another year of MCIA (performances, cabinet interviews, banquet, retreat... oh my), working, and beginning my second chance at Staff.

Goal: Going from being Super Girl, to Wonder Woman.