I only know MAJESTY... Purple, Gold and Royal.

Sometimes it's hard to equivocate how you feel about something in a few paragraphs... from mundane to extraordinary, this is definitely one of those extraordinary things.

SPOP.

Immediately... I think of LIFE. I think of energy. I think of new beginnings. And most importantly I think of HOPE.

Those are all things that SPOP had given to me as a freshman. Those are all things, as a staffer of two years, that I had wanted to give to others...

SPOP 7 2009 was like forming a full circle. I rushed out of my midterm to barely make it onto the talent show stage to perform my last spaerobics. I was frazzled by the end and took sometime to recollect myself for Modern... however, the recollection was in vain. My mind was wrapped around the concept of this being my last SPOP experience and I couldn't help but watch the rest of talent show in awe... I couldn't smile, I couldn't laugh and I couldn't cheer in fear that any of those things would break the seal between me and my emotions. Whatever... I cried anyways.

That was the longest walk back to my hall. I think I did it purposely just so I can take the advice I once gave my spfamily during the end of our first discussion, "don't forget to take a step back and take in all the wonderful things that are happening." During that walk I remembered golden butterflies from the end of SPOP 10 2008 that I watched dance with AK on the way back to Captain Planet's Camino Goes Green-O... I also remembered SPOP 3 2006 waiting outside of the Bren Events center with my hall standing in a circle and screaming "C-L-OOOOOOOOO!" with our 00Cielo (double "o" cielo) staffers in the middle, watching them cry and wondering why they were so emotional... and even now, after being in their shoes, I can still question why, but not because I cannot see what life fulfilling things come out of the SPOP experience, but because there are just so many that I cannot leave one sole reason for being responsible.

Full Circle... SPOP 7 was not sad. I felt a sort of completion. I felt that I had succeeded in paying back what my staffers have given to me. When I see the smiles on my spoppers faces come closing I know that in some way or another they are touched... they've left those two days with a plethora of new games, a new friend, a new ambition, a new perspective... and if I am lucky enough, a new sense of that HOPE. A hope to be in a better place, a hope to be a better person, a hope to have a better experience... a better life. My last SPOP rant... I don't know exactly what I said in between the tears except for one thing... asking them, begging them, to pay it forward and to never underestimate the power of their influence and use that influence to give people every bit of happiness that was given to them... I told them that LIFE can be SPOP, if you just make it that way... and I told them that the person they're trying to find is no one but themselves... and that yourself isn't somebody that you LOOK for... it's someone that you WORK on... make your LIFE a HOPE to have the motivation to put yourself in a BETTER PLACE and to make yourself a BETTER PERSON... and that's SPOP.

From Purple Year to Gold Year to Royal Year I have been blessed with so may lessons and so many inspiring people... and it is bittersweet to end the SPOP chapter of my life... it was the first of my firsts in college, and it is the first of my lasts as well, and I cannot thank this program enough for preparing me for both journeys...

This is no where near a clear depiction of what SPOP means to me. From that complete mess of a person I knew back then who needed that push of hope to be in a better place to this striving woman using that hope to instill into others the greatness of the opportunities that lay ahead of them... I cannot fully explain to you how I feel about SPOP in a mere blog entry, but in a lifetime of stories that lead up to this next story... the termination of my college life.

---Some Advice to Aspiring Returners---

Be aware of the reasons you have for reapplying. Know that as a returner it is your duty to instill everything that is wonderful about this program and to be critical about everything that could be better. It is your duty to know even more so when to step up and when to step back, and you will find yourself more than ever stepping up to those positions are not necessarily the most pleasurable but the most vital. Know that it will not be Royal year... and enter your returner year already convinced that it will not be the same, it will not be better, it will not be worse... it will just be different. Know that the difference between this year and last year is the difference between the coordinators, the staff, the freshman, and yourself. Know that also, a returner is not only tending to the experience of their spoppers but the experience of their fellow staffers as well. Be there for your staff. Be the positivity and the energy that they need in tough times, and be the passion that inspires their own passion about this program. BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING... remember... if you are to get that returner position... there are no shoes to fill, no expectations to be met, no definitions to be loyal to... there only shoes to make, expectations to be surpassed, and definitions to be written. Do not waste time trying to reenact Royal year, but spend your time creating an entirely new experience. Be Royal in your heart, but be ______ in your intentions.

... that's all. Thank you Purple for inspiring me. Thank you Gold for challenging me. Thank you Royal for completing me.

SPOP Royale

It's so hard not to build expectation. As much as we can preach about not expecting anything and to just put our all into whatever we do... we still expect things and we still wait for things to happen...

After Weekend Training, I felt this need to reflect upon my own SPOP journey thus far...

I've always loved the idea of SPOP. Coming in as a freshman, SPOP had opened my eyes to a wide road of possibilities. The mission statement of SPOP was not only instilled in me but was an active ingredient in what I felt college had the potential to be for one individuals right of passage. SPOP was the doorway for my journey into wanting to make myself a better person, for creating standards for the life I live, to seek greatness in everything that I do, and to always redefine and acknowledge what greatness is whether it be a 4.0 or a state of mind. This was my main reason for wanting to be a staffer, beyond anything, I wanted to give back what was given to me as an incoming freshman... college has meant so much to me, and I wanted to encourage my spoppers into taking full advantage of everything that it has to offer...

I was so excited to be on Staff for the first time. I was rejected my freshman year, and so there was a year worth of excitement and expectation that came with the idea of being a SPOP Staffer. However, it was more difficult than I had thought to be integrated into the program. My heart had already been opened up to another program and I felt an inner pressure to preserve my dedication towards my other affiliation (being confronted by close friends that SPOP was a cult, and talking about SPOP left others out), especially because of my anticipated leadership role waiting for me around the corner. Furthermore, being in a new and exciting relationship made it difficult for me to focus on the outer world... naturally.

To make up for not feeling integrated into staff, or feeling like I didn't have any close friends, I focused on what I joined SPOP for in the first place: the freshmen. I can go two ways with this decision... in the first place I regret not sacrificing my comfort level to be able to get close with people and to feel connected with my fellow staffers... but in the second place my Gold Year experience does hold a special place in my heart because of the interactions I had with my spoppers because they were the complete focal point of everything I did in that summer, and that alone had helped me grow and had helped me realize more and more about what kind of person I wanted to become.

Gold Year was difficult for me because I only understood once side to it which was our purpose as staffers to our spoppers. There were a lot of incidents and actions that I disagreed with during Gold Year, that had made me build some aminosity toward some staffers (mostly in the form of competition, laziness, apathy, and self-absorption during SPOPs, and exclusiveness)... but most of all, I didn't know who I could talk to about these issues mainly because there wasn't anyone that I was particularly close with. At the end of the summer, I couldn't say that SPOP had changed my life, I couldn't say that it was one of the best times I've ever had... it was a wonderful learning experience for me, a valuable one no doubt. In the end I decided that my first year experience was not better nor worse than anyone else I had observed, it was just different.

At closing, one line stuck to me: "When you apply to be a returner, you come back for the staffers." Up until that point I was sure I wanted to re-apply and continue to touch the lives of freshman... but that one individual point made me want to re-evaluate what the role of a SPOP returner would be, and whether or not I could be passionate about that role. Re-evaluating my decision to re-apply exposed a lot of the things that I didn't do during my first year on staff... and I realized that though I got a lot out of the program, I hadn't touched another main component of what makes SPOP so successful, and that was the unity and the bond between the staff. In deciding to apply for returner I knew that that would be where I fell short, and in trying to advocate and contribute my own viewpoints to the program, I knew that there was a lot more for me to learn and experience, and that I would have invest that time to be able to be a successful returner.

It's so hard not to build expectation. As much as we can preach about not expecting anything and to just put our all into whatever we do... we still expect things and we still wait for things to happen...

... but wow. These past 3 months have been more than just trying to fulfill a role as a returner, but it was an amazing learning experience for me as well. To returners, being amongst you all was so intimidating. All of your words have given me such insight into so many different sides of this program and I try to soak up and understand everything you all say to be able to apply it in trying to be better, and thank you for also encouraging me and opening yourselves up to me for the first or second time... a lot of the times I get really nervous and panicked before I speak up at returner meetings, but all of your support has helped me open myself up more and more. I have a lot of pride in our group... I trust and am inspired by everything that you all individually stand for, ya'all are LEGIT!

To first year staffers, TRUST that in the conversations that I've had with you and the things that I observe from you all... you ALL have helped me understand SPOP even more. Through this whole process know that in many realms we had been equals in trying to take in what the SPOP experience is. Thank you to those first years who have shown this overwhelming enthusiasm for SPOP, and thank you to those first years who have been critical about this program... but thank you all in the first place for sharing these perspectives and exposing all these intricacies that make SPOP so mind blowing...!

I had never cried for SPOP the way I had at weekend training. I had so much love in me that I felt like I was going to explode. It was intense... and very unexpected. Like I said during my spiel, I finally feel like that void in my SPOP experience has been filled, so thank you ROYAL YEAR. This will be such a wonderful summer.

To tie in what I have experienced in SPOP thus far with what I had experienced last year, I'll end this post with what I've learned so far...

1. Don't be afraid to be critical: if you love something, you would always want it to be at its best, and to be at its best, it must see where it may falter. Be ourselves, but understand that who are are is never a set person. We don't find ourselves, we work on ourselves. We can always improve... sky's the limit.
2. Be open-minded and open-hearted: there is no right or wrong answer, and understand that for the most part, all of our individual intentions are in the right place, but how we articulate these intentions may not always be accurate. Take criticism with a grain of salt, and be reflective before becoming defensive, you never know... you might learn something new.
3. Never underestimate the impact of small gestures. Don't just receive love, but also give love... reach out to people you don't know very well and sacrifice some time to be uncomfortable in hopes that one day it won't be anymore... and when that day comes, find another way to feel uncomfortable. and Repeat. Your discomfort may be another person's feeling of acceptance.
4. Cliques are inevitable... but aim to be cliqueless. If SPOP was the world, be a culturally rounded person.
5. Most of all... appreciate where we are and those who surround us. Never feel entitled and always feel honored... honored to be able to learn, to grow, to love, and to inspire.

That's all =]

Epic.

Winter Quarter

I have some down time, so I shall blog.

Winter quarter can only be described as both the mundane and extraordinary...

Mundane:

Just like every year, every quarter brings on new challenges... whether it's classes, work, social connections/ disconnections... and this quarter had it's fair share of them. Some of them were external in trying to find the right balance between, school friends, relationship, and family... and others were internal. Ever have that feeling of disconnection with yourself? I experienced that this quarter... which can only really mean that I myself are going through some changes that I have yet to discover and reckon with. These things, however, take time, small adjustments in my actions and perceptions and hopefully soon, with this spring break coming along I will be able to reconcile with myself.

I feel that's what happens when so many things in the external life are going on, buzzing right by you: classes, practices, socials, work, midterms, practices, not enough social, homework, work, papers, tests... you forget about yourself. You don't get enough of those good conversations that help you evaluate where you are in your life merely because you just haven't had the time to sit and have a good lunch with a good friend.

Things start conjuring in your mind... some far fetched and some very apparent. Long story short, this quarter has given me emotions that ranged from feeling indescribably proud to overwhelmingly defeated... mildy lonely to somewhat crowded.

But in these last 2 weeks, a midst from preparing for a final, finishing up homework and projects, and choreographing 3 separate collaboration pieces... I've come to peace with this quarter. In the end, it is what it is. I've fought my battle, and though in my mind I could have always done better... I can't ignore the extraordinary prizes that I had sacrificed for.

Extraordinary:

MCIA: Vibe was indescribable so I won't describe it. All I can say is how amazingly taken a back I am at some points... to step back from it all and see what this team is, and realizing that I wouldn't have, in my wildest dreams, ever thought of being part of something so significant. It's not just being part of a dance team.... but being part of a dance team that's exponentially growing! Being coord has its serious ups and downs... but when I try to completely comprehend the position that I am in this year... and the team that I am representing... I feel nothing but gratefulness for both my struggles and my successes. My experiences on this team continue to teach me more and more about myself, and continue to challenge me to be a better person to hopefully, one day, be that much closer from my best. It's beyond dancing for me, it's loving this team and caring for my team mates more than I ever thought I had the capacity to...

SPOP: In applying I really wanted it... in waiting for the decision to let out I began to want it even more... during weeks 7-10 I convinced myself that, probably, I didn't get it (with the underlining hope that I would get it however)... with so many freakishly amazing people applying it's hard to justify within yourself that you, above others, should be accepted. You can't. C'est impossible. And it's one of those situations, if you were to not get it, you would understand... my understanding at the beginning of week 10, was more convinvcing than my justification. Why did I want to apply for SPOP again? My number 1 reason was because I believe so much in what this program is trying to accomplish, because it accomplished it in me 3 years ago... and my excessive need to be able to be part in perpetuating life changing experiences will always consume me. My number 2 reason: a second chance, which is contradictory to my whole belief that there are no second chances... you gotta go balls out the first time. I wanted a second chance to be a better staffer, not to freshmen, but to my staffers... because in that I feel, I could have given more...

I remember once, during the beginning of one SPOP, Hannah Johnson was giving her morning pep talk to the staff, and she quoted me... "Jenevieve in her interview said your input into something reflects your output"... and at that moment I remember experiencing a wave of guilt... I had gotten the most out of each SPOP I staffed... but I didn't get the most out of the whole experience as I had observed other staffers had. I can draw a parallel to another organization that I love... MCIA. It's not just about dancing and coming to practice and performing once in a while... it's about the connections you make along the way... the connections that you put an effort into making...

Being accepted just reiterates how wonderful SPOP is... I've put together a couple rosters myself... you tend to take your chances on those you know not only want it, but have shown that they've earned it... you select the best of the best. Mad respect for SPOP coords. How do you put the best of the best on the list... when the best of the best are the ones applying? Reading the staff list... and discovering who amongst Gold had made it and who had not... I still cannot justify why myself over others... I can only feel more power and more assertion to put everything that I can into this program, because for all of the amazing people who could be in my shoes right now, I know that nothing less is enough.



So as you can see... next quarter will be fierce. I'm on my way to ending my 3rd year of college, ending another year of MCIA (performances, cabinet interviews, banquet, retreat... oh my), working, and beginning my second chance at Staff.

Goal: Going from being Super Girl, to Wonder Woman.

Vibe Season 2009

Compared to the past two years that I have participated in Vibe... this season is going pretty smoothly. I really like this new blocking system. Of course there's always room for improvement, but in general it's a good system. I feel like with this system, everyone gets to experience being a team mate on stage and off stage. With past systems, it seems like there's always a handful of people who experience being one type of team mate too much, and other type not at all. I think the only thing I wish we could've have spent more time on is blocking actual formations together... we attempted this minimally... and we'll see how the transitions from one piece to another turn out. This set will be off the hook regardless.

I've been fighting sickness for the past two weeks, along with more than half of the team. Times are rough... late night dancing when you've got a chronic cough, a mild fever and the other parts of your life to worry about in the morning. The journey is always worth the destination though, and at least with this new system we haven't stayed a night past 3am... which is extremely efficient. On top of that, I would say we are only a half day behind schedule, with this whole week to prepare.

I'm excited.

In other news, I'm tired.

Two Thousand and Nine

Well, the ball dropped.

I'm excited for this new year and all the changes... or rather, transformations, that will inevitably happen in my life. I had a mild conversation with the b-friend about the difference between change and transformation. With transformations, the differences between now and then are based on the kind of person you used to be... your new self still harbors all of your past and all of your present. Your history and your experiences become a great factor in what kind of person you want to be, or find yourself becoming. Change however... change is like a light bulb that goes from blue to red.

People go through transformations... and I think that is what gets lost in the minds of those who resent change, or who are afraid of change. People don't change, they transform... whether it's bad or good, an improvement or a detriment, it's never a solitary, separate change from who they once were. And for those who regret their past, deny their past... for those who are embarrassed of their trials and roots, understand that these experiences cannot escape you. We are all products of our own history, and every bit of history is equally responsible for who we are or who we are becoming.

Lastly, we have the power to transform in the direction we want. We have full control of our lives. I'm not much of a fanatic of destiny or fate... we meet people ad we find ourselves in situations all by chance, and the development and outcome of these relationships and situations are in our hands. I once read a quote in my high school agenda book (one of those quotes of the week) that said, "Life is 10% of what happens, and 90% of how you react."

For every action, there is a reaction. For every time that we can react negatively toward a situation, we can find a way to react positively. I find that with the presence of a hardship, it is so easy for us to forget about all the great things in our life. With one difficult hill to climb, we suddenly lose the reasons why we are still walking and still climbing in the first place. No doubt that others have more great things than us... but if we were to think about it in such a way, there are plenty of those who have less great things than us. To binge on the former and neglect the latter is to take our wealth for granted.

Perspective. Choose your perspective.

Everyday we make choices: what to wear, what to eat, what to do, what to say... make a choice on what to think.

"Be the change you want to see in the world." -Gandhi

This New Year is clay your hands, and so mold it into what you would like it to become.